I will avoid saying certain words here so as to avoid getting this place any undue attention and preserve it, but I ended up taking the devil's shot today after my family pestered me about it for god knows how long. Virtually every single day, whenever the opportunity presented itself, they would pester me about it. "Did you check if you can take it already anon? You better go get that shot anon. I heard it's killing 14 year olds now! Oh, it's not like I'm scared or anything. I'm just, y'know, concerned about you. It's not like I'm trying to find validation for my vapid existence. Better go watch the news for more!" I'm paraphrasing here, of course, but you get the gist of it. The last sentence there is especially aggravating as the people in my family will claim they don't watch the news because it's so biased, but the goddamned TV is almost always turned on the most subversive news channel in our country.
The point is, I don't know how to feel about it. Many aspects of my life make me feel this way, but it's as if I lack any agency of my own. I don't even feel like a tool. Rather, I feel like a dog. I may have just become complicit in a scheme that could potentially enslave us, and I felt like I had no choice in the matter. Whenever I tried to talk to my family about it, their answers were always the same. "Oh, it's not like it'll kill you, anon. Oh, you're so afraid anon, I understand, you hate shots, huh?" All despite the fact that this was never the point I wanted to make. But my attempts at conversation always fell on deaf ears. That's how it's always been with my family. There is never any space for anyone to have an honest, sensible discussion, and when I try to talk about my own individual opinions and feelings, they get aggressive. I used to get into nasty fights with them over this, but once I got older, I realized it's pointless because they'll never, ever change. They speak in a sort of cacophony, repeating the same things over and over without ever actually saying anything. I realized that's why I felt so lonely for most of my life. And now, because of this goddamn family, I may have made my own contribution to the fall of decent, sensible society, which brings me to my next point.
It's depressing just how little agency we have over ourselves. I'm not talking about free will or anything, but rather about how little we can do to make our lives better. I always try my best to have a positive outlook on life, especially after being suicidal for so many years, but the fact that we are looked down upon so much by those who rule us, to the point they treat us as nothing more than lab rats, is exceedingly depressing. I can only hope that one day we will rise above this and come out better, rebuilding civilization from its ruins, but it living in such a world feels like a curse. It really is as if God has abandoned us. Whatever agency we may have had has been stripped from us violently. I genuinely fear for our future, and in my case, I live in a country which may very well be close to its ultimate downfall because certain individuals want power so, so badly, that they are willing to bring everything down with them as long as they get to sit on their decrepit throne. When one of the biggest criminals in your country's history gets away with everything scot-free while aiming for the highest possible position in the federal government, the message is clear: "you are trash. Concepts like good and evil don't matter. Crime does pay and there's nothing you can do about it. If you believe in morals and standards, you are an initio and deserve to die." And people applaud this in droves.
I'm just rambling here. But I hate this goddamned world with every fiber of my being and the fact that I always feel like I'm being pushed around, along with the people who praise it.