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 No.3160

I have a fear of elevators, so I'm taking steps to avoid them.

 No.3162

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>>3160
Unless you are currently on one, I'd suggest you stop taking steps. If you don't move I don't think you'll end up in an elevator.

 No.3163

>>3162
I didn't get the joke at first, sorry. A little slow on my part.

 No.3164

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a man saw in his dream a unicorn, a woman that hated handsome men, santa claus, an honest politician, the tooth fairy, a woman that hated rich men and a drunk guy.
when he woke up he saw one of them in real life.
who did he saw?

the drunk guy because the others don't exist

 No.3179

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I've got a chicken-proof front lawn. It's impeccable!

>>3163
No problem.

 No.3203

A good artist knows where to draw the line.

 No.3206

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Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her weight into it, and slammed the door again, but, the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said:

“Ma'am, before you do that again you ought to move your cat.”

 No.3207

I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would just be too long.

 No.3224

Do you think hungry time-travelers ever go back four seconds?

 No.3226

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>>3160
What happen when you put 40 sailors in a Submarine for a month?
You get twenty couples

 No.3308

>>3226
That reminds me of another joke:

How do you separate the men from the boys in the Navy? With a crowbar

 No.3323

>>3160
/cute/ send me here. It make me smile.

 No.3336

My daughter is a big fan of sea fauna, they seal the deal for her.

 No.3345

I bought some used paint.
It was in the shape of a house.

 No.3418

Don't buy velcro shows, they're a ripoff!

 No.3452

What do you get when you cross a rhino and a butterfly? A media circus about the dangers of genetic engineering.

 No.3453

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 No.3469

People will call you transphobic but they can't even drive a manual transmission.

 No.3474

File: 1608632138164.jpg (106.23 KB, 960x952, snitch.jpg) ImgOps


 No.3512

I could never sleep my way to the top 'cause my alarm clock always wakes me right up.

 No.3522

If Santa doesn't eat enough potassium does he get a leg Kramp-us?

 No.3549

Someone asked me if they should learn French, so I told him "Baguette about it!"

 No.3598

If I were a priest I'd be a loose canon.

 No.3602

File: 1609557308161.jpg (604.04 KB, 1200x1480, 501b328517cd8df53770ecbe11….jpg) ImgOps

It's a bit past Christmas, and I know a guy who collects candy canes. They are all in mint condition.

 No.3615

Nothing says you're in trouble like urine trouble

 No.3643

Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks. The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks." The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks" and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train.

 No.3829

People say "women like sex too" but thats actually just a myth. whenever i have sex with a woman i always ask "did you like that?" and they say no.

 No.3845

It becomes apparent when a joke is a dad joke.

 No.3877

May I rest my case here?

Yes, but make it brief.

 No.3879

What do you call a cheap circumsision? A rip off

Why was the mushroom the life of the party? He was a fungi!

Why did the vampire go vegan? Because he was afraid of steaks!

Have a nice day

 No.3881

>>3879
Last one made me giggle.
Thanks, anon.

 No.3886

File: 1611038823965.gif (4.32 MB, 720x404, get.gif) ImgOps

What's the difference between a cow and the holocaust?
You stop milking the cow after 70 years

 No.4163

File: 1612378494472.png (Spoiler Image, 627.04 KB, 670x377, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps

I've got a good joke for all of you right here.

 No.4290

>>3845
Amazing.

 No.5605

https://www.stallman.org/puns.html
>I spent yesterday morning pulling up dandelions and crabgrass in the name of law'n order.

 No.5606

https://www.stallman.org/futon-physics.html
>Someone posted that he had a futon for sale, so I responded with this message.

> The futon is the elementary particle of the hack field. If you have succeeded in isolating a futon, have you measured its properties? For instance, what is its mass? Did you ever experience a magnetic moment on it and get a charge? Does it appear strange? Does it have charm? Has it been slepton? Can it interact with Schrodinger's cat to create virtual muons?


> If you intend to sell the futon, I think you ought to tell potential buyers what its half-life is, and what it decays into. Pillows and sheets? Some nearly massless bedbugs?


> On the other hand, if it's a stable futon, what kind of animals were using it, and did they associate any dark matter with it?

 No.5658

File: 1620388142508.jpg (433.04 KB, 3800x2534, 1613598467721.jpg) ImgOps




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