>I guess my whole point is i just want to open up but i feel those societal blocks in place and it really frustrates me.
Societal blocks in your head or in theirs?
If it's just you, it's easy fix - "just do it". May require some forcing, but all good things do.
If theirs, then yeah, it's a problem.
>im scared of losing them but how much are they my friend really if they dont accept me
I see three options:
>they're real friends and so will accept your weirdness
>they aren't actually friends, they just keep you around because they can't get any """better""", but would drop you if you stopped being convenient
>they are shitty maybe-friends who treat the relationship like a transaction/contract, but will do their part
Do you need them? If not, it's probably better to check than to keep guessing and stressing.
I dealt with this problem for most of my life. People don't know me. Even after hours on 1v1 talks, they make clear mistakes in predicting what I think and how I will act.
Even so, opening up and letting people be wrong about me didn't make me enemies. Rather, it seems that people trust me more, because I hide less. With the silent types, you don't know what they're thinking, so things become suspicious easily.
It's good to look like you can't lie. Like you will say "I'd rather not say" instead of giving a safe non-answer or changing the topic.
Don't assume too much. People differ a whole lot.
I keep making the mistake of using "my empathy" to predict normies, as if they had my mind except where proven otherwise.
I went out of my way to avoid causing inconveniences that would frustrate me, but which they completely ignored. I acted like "that suspicious loner weirdo" because I didn't want to be a bother. I profusely apologized for non-offenses. Then I actually offended people by doing something completely natural to me, like expressing edgy beliefs in a specific tone.
Ask more, assume less. Good, smart people will appreciate it and give you the benefit of ignorance over suspicion of dishonesty.
Shit people will reject you, but it's actually a good thing, because you shouldn't associate with people who will push "the real you" away and are only there for your "social persona".